


Snake In The Flat

by PatPrecieux



Category: Good Omens (TV), Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern with Magic, Crossover, Fluff and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 14:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,293
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20047225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PatPrecieux/pseuds/PatPrecieux
Summary: There can be a snake in the grass, snakes on a plane and now there's a snake in the flat.





	Snake In The Flat

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Podfixx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Podfixx/gifts).

> Many are the secrets held within the walls of 221B and Hudders perhaps holds the biggest one of all.

John had promised his mad genius the errand would take less than half an hour if he hurried. So, in his haste, he almost bowled over the tall man on the other side of the front door preparing to knock.

He quickly assessed the...client he was guessing. Another posh git if first glances served. Thin but not painfully so, tight jeans as John favoured on Sherlock when he could get him to wear them, dark shirt and bespoke jacket. The topper was the inky dark glasses he wore even on a decidedly wet and overcast day. Yep, definitely another Sherlock. "Sorry, sorry. Can I help you?" 

Tossing his ginger hair like a skittish beast, ("What was it', John thought, "with these types and their hair?") the stranger responded with a mesmerizing suggestive voice. "Mr. Holmes?"

Inexplicably, the innocent inquiry made John instantly on guard , and then just as quickly he found himself almost charmed by a seductive smile. "Ah, yeah right, ah he's up the stairs in our flat."

"You're Doctor Watson then? A pleasure, sir. Big fan of the blog, quite- stimulating. I have an inquiry."

John shook the outstretched hand which was surprisingly warm in the chilly weather. "Ta. I can see you up if you like."

"I posit you were on your way out due to our near collision. Please do feel free to carry on. I can find my own way."

"Yes, well, I was. Perhaps we can talk if you're still here when I get back."

"I look forward to it. Best head up then shall I?"

He turned towards the stairs and John rushed out the door pulling it shut behind him paying no mind to the fact that the client had transformed into a very large and impressive snake who had begun to slither provocatively, if a snake can do that, towards the landing.

The quiet of the foyer was suddenly broken by Mrs. Hudson's soft yet steely tone. "Stop right where you are demon, and whatever you're thinking of doing, don't. None of your tricks, including assuming your human shape again, will work within these walls while those who reside here are under my protection!"

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Before another word could be said, Sherlock came creeping down the stairs approaching the fiery yellow eyed serpent from behind while it was distracted by the advancing fury of the diminutive landlady. In one smooth motion, he overpowered the snake placing it in a large canvas sack and secured it with a heavy duty zip tie. 

"I heard a commotion and looked out to see you staring down THIS. What is going on, IF I am allowed to ask?"

"You've just discovered a huge reptile almost on your doorstep and THAT is your attitude young man?"

"Apologies, Hudders." At that the sack began to thrash violently in Sherlock's hands. "Might be wise to take this 'visitor' to the flat and confine it. Don't think there's much danger of it escaping but to be safe I'll put it in the tub where it won't have any purchase to take advantage of."

"Sherlock, do NOT take that..." Too late. He was already through to the sitting room. 

Just then John arrived simultaneously with a well dressed if somewhat old fashioned looking blond man behaving as if the world was coming to an end.

"Can't believe I forgot my wallet Martha. Oh, hello, another client?"

"Ah, yes, A.Z. Fell. See here, I don't mean to be rude or abrupt but I'm seeking my companion. I fear he may have brought a spot of trouble to your lovely home."

Martha huffed, "Not a bit of it. Matter of fact, he put up rather a fight and Mr. Holmes has him restrained upstairs."

That offhand remark provoked two side by side reactions. John shouted "Sherlock!" reaching for the gun which was fortunately NOT in his waistband and the blonde fairly shrieked "No! Crowley my dear I'm coming!"

The end result was both men attempting to charge up to the flat and subsequently knocking each other for sixes. Possessed with a strength that belied her size, Hudders pulled them both to their feet.

"Calm down the both of you. Neither of your boys are in danger at the moment, so let's all go together slowly and settle things in less than a homicidal manner."

Gaping at her stunned, they meekly followed her to the sitting room of 221B. Sherlock looked up from his position on the sofa as if it were simply a normal day and nothing had transpired. "Good John you're back. Tea please."

"Tea!? Martha told me you were in a fight and have the person who assaulted you tied up. Where is he?"

"Excuse me, but my friend would never assault anyone unless provoked. What have you done with him?!"

"I assure you I am NOT in the habit of provoking large possibly venomous snakes, and it's in the bathtub."

Blogger and blond squeaked in tandem. "Snake?"

"Sherlock, what's happened to the creepy guy with the red hair and dark glasses?"

"Crowley is not in the least bit creepy as you put it. Is he injured? If you have hurt him..."

For no discernible reason John suddenly perceived this harmless looking man as a threat, and stepped between him and Sherlock snarling, "Stay back from him or I will..."

"Enough!, Hudders fairly roared. The bellow from the tiny woman's mouth silenced them all in an instant. "There, that's ever so much better. Sherlock, please retrieve our other 'guest' from the tub and bring him in here. Get on with you!"

Sherlock scrambled as if he were being chased by the devil himself and returned with the clearly agitated contents of the sack.  
At Martha's nod he began to loosen the binding.

"Hear me now, I have had quite my fill of excitement for one day. When you crawl out of there you had best coil yourself quietly and wait until I am finished sorting this out or you will NOT appreciate the consequences."

John turned for the bedroom, "Wait, I'm getting my gun."

Mr. Fell snared his arm in a desperate crushing grip and pleaded, "Don't hurt him, I beg you. I will vouch for his good behavior. By heaven I will."

Abruptly, John was filled with both a sense of peace and the desire to do nothing to upset this odd fellow who was beseeching him on behalf of his...whatever a snake might be to him. Wasn't as if John wasn't familiar with that situation himself. "Don't worry, Mr. Fell, I have a tendency to be overprotective where my friend is concerned. I promise, no gun."

The oxygen seemed to have been sucked from the room as the snake actually slunk from his prison like a sulky child. "Oh my dear, however and why ever do you place yourself in these kinds of situations?"

John wondered if it was possible for a snake to hang it's head in shame. "Alright, Martha. We all have our wits about us so what IS happening here?"

"First, you...change back. Bad enough to have angels, demons, and these two tearing up the place without my incurring a visit from city animal control. Come along, no dawdling. Show yourself young man."

Like some special effect in front of a green screen at a movie set, the snake morphed once again into the first man John had encountered when he was leaving the flat. "Young man?! Madame do you have any concept of how very old I am?!"

"Compared to me you are a babe in arms, now shut up demon, and not a word from you angel or you two either in case you think of yourselves as special. I want quiet until I say otherwise. While I realize that Sherlock is probably all ready off on his next Mind Palace rearranging, I imagine you have several questions John what with me throwing around terms like angel and demon and what you just saw."

"Oddly no, Martha", he said shaking his head and looking slightly dazed. "I live with Sherlock bloody Holmes. Not really sure what would strike me as weird anymore. He could even come home riding a rainbow coloured unicorn and I don't think I would bat an eye."

At that Mr. Fell cleared his throat and Hudders indicated he could speak. "I'm afraid my boy that is highly unlikely as there was an unfortunate accident when loading that ark. I tried to say something at the time but they just ignored me, as some people are wont to do at times." With that he cast a baleful glare at Crowley.

As if in retribution, the newly revealed demon snarled, "Aziraphale! No one is interested in your tales of woe about where you've been and why."

"Oi! This man clearly cares about you and you will damn well show him some respect while in my home!" John had startled himself. "Now I'm defending someone I don't even know who consorts with demons", he muttered.

"Thank you, John. May I call you John? That aside, you vowed to me my dear that you wouldn't take any such 'assignments' from here on out. How could you? What did you hope to accomplish and why?" The smaller man's eyes were misty.

"It wasn't an assignment, only an exercise if you will in mischief. I only intended to incite a bit of healthy lust between these two. The unresolved sexual tension in that one's blog is like wading through quicksand. As for why,...bored."

"Oh my God", John groaned, "you have one of those too. You have my sincere sympathies mate. What are you to do when you love them though, yeah?"

"John!" Sherlock sounded scandalized. "That is inappropriate conversation, and you call me tactless."

Aziraphale beamed and chuckled, "I would not be so eager to rebuff such an obvious declaration of affections Sherlock. One should never take heartfelt emotions for granted. Well said, John."

"Well isn't this all lollipops and roses", Crowley sneered. "Anyone care in the least that I was imprisoned in a frankly filthy sack? What the hell shite had been in there before anyway? Putrefied guts and gangrenous limbs?"

"Quite possibly", John sighed, "as you do."

"Satan's balls! And you woman, by what power did you humiliate and subdue me? Speak!"

"Crowley! I am appalled. We are guests in this woman's home and you will comport yourself or there will be heaven to pay."

When only a grumble emerged, Aziraphale pressed on. "I find myself intrigued my lady if you care to share or perhaps Sherlock wishes to deduce the situation."

Sherlock was trying his best to feign complete disinterest and yawned, "This entire thing isn't worth my time or effort, barely a 1/2 on the case scale."

"Bollocks!", Hudders giggled, "You have not one clue as to what goes on here. Admit it and I just MIGHT enlighten you."

John noted his reddening cheeks and went to take his hand. "Go on then love, apologize and for once admit you aren't the smartest one in the room and we'll hear a great story from the lady who is."

"Very well. I do seem to find myself rather at odds and ends as to what is happening. Sorry."

"It's fine, dear. Let's all sit down and I will tell you. No long involved story for the two of you who are easily bored and a brief respite for the two of you who put up with them."

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"Long before your Lady Lord God came on the scene, the Fae were abroad in other parts of the cosmos, not corporeal but an energy waiting for a chance to become so. When this lovely sphere was created, they saw their chance and established themselves as part of the Earth. I am one such Fae, half blood by birth, but nobility in the Fae realm."

"That's ridiculous, no Fae, nobility or otherwise, is powerful enough to thwart a demon such as myself!"

"My dear!! Must I admonish you once more? Where have your manners suddenly disappeared to, do NOT interrupt again."

"Don't worry yourself, Angel. As I was saying, you are correct about my Fae powers but as you heard I am half blood. My Father was a Fae king but my Mother was kin to you Aziraphale."

"Your Mother was an angel? But how is that possible?"

"Again, I am more ancient than you can ever conceive of and this was eons ago long before your lot even hung the stars. The Fae, I must confess, sought to insert themselves into the celestial realm with perhaps not altogether pure intent and as for my Mother, she was bewitched and beguiled by my Father, but they loved- oh how they loved." She paused wistfully and dabbed at her eyes. "My Mother was banished of course."

"Been there done that.", snorted Crowley. "Yeah I know, shutting my pie hole."

"Yes, banished, but she was welcomed by the Fae and my siblings and I and our children are responsible for the inherent darkness of the Ancient Fae coming to the light where we now reside. We no longer seek to torment humanity, instead we are its protectors. This is my kingdom and these two my beloved charges. You came here intent to do what I perceived as harm never realizing until just before that you were on a fool's errand. That was why and how I stopped you and my magic prevented you from assuming your human form again."

"A fools errand, how so?"

Hudders gazed at the demon as if he were a virgin, innocent of the ways of the world. "I know now you thought it would be 'entertaining' to give a shove to Sherlock and John's libidos whether they wanted it or not. What you didn't know was, despite the narrative in John's blog, they have been shagging all over this flat for months. I worry constantly for the structural integrity of the floors not to mention my poor furniture. So, demon, all this carry on for nothing, save I think disappointing your angel."

"I humbly beg your pardon, cousin- I'm supposing we shall be reckoned cousins- to have my demon bring such chaos to your castle. What may we do to make amends?"

"Well, it would be most pleasant to have kin as regular visitors and goodness knows my Boys could use more friends even if they are somewhat unique in nature. And no snake in the flat if you please."

"Swear it, my dear."

"Yes, yes, I swear, blah, blah, blah."

"Jesus, yours and mine must have been separated at birth."

"John are you calling me a demon?"

"You've been called worse, MY dear." John and Aziraphale broke into laughter while Sherlock and Crowley glowered.

"Would you join us for tea before you go Angel, I've freshly baked scones- apple. They're lovely if I do say so myself."

Aziraphale paled and stuttered, "No! Ah, that is...I..."

"What he means, Madame is we would be delighted to return another time to your hospitality but would you be kind enough to offer scones of a different type on that occasion? My boyfriend has somewhat of an aversion to apples."

"Of course, we'd be pleased to see you any time. Wouldn't we Boys?" Not waiting for an answer, "Let me show you out."

As they descended the stairs Aziraphale could be heard offering John a tour of his bookshop where he might peruse some antique medical volumes that John might find interesting. Only as Hudders reached for the door were they aware Sherlock and Crowley hadn't followed.

"My dear, come along, we don't wish to overstay our welcome."

"Sherlock get your plush arse down here and say goodbye."

"Charming John, way to make a favourable last impression. Crowley and I were engaged in a negotiation just now. A barter trade if you will. I have been seeking more challenging experiments so Crowley and I have agreed upon a trade."

"A trade of what precisely, menace?"

"In exchange for some of my prized poisonous plants Crowley has agreed to give me his skin the next time he sheds." The detective and demon were grinning like loons.

"NO!", screamed John and Aziraphale as one voice.

"Sherlock, I am not allowing you to add herpetology to the growing list of things that might kill you to your treasure trove."

"And I absolutely forbid you to bring one more defenseless plant you can terrorize into our lives, Crowley."

"But John, it's only the skin! There's no danger..."

"No, just no. Final answer."

"Angel, I don't have any poisonous ones and I will treat them kindly."

"For a demon, you are an abysmal liar, my dear. Glasses off and look me in the eye. NO MORE FUCKING PLANTS. End of discussion. Now that you've made me curse, let's go home."

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As the Bentley wove in and out of London traffic, Aziraphale tsked solemnly. "I trust they'll be no further shenanigans from you Crowley. All that bother and in the end you had the wrong end of the stick all along."

"Humanssss," he hissed, "it's alwayssss ssssomething. Sssstill angry, Angel? Perhaps I can tempt you with ssssome obsssscenely expenssssive ssssushi?" Crowley squeezed a warm thigh and kissed a glowing cheek.

"No, not angry anymore. What you do to me demon. Temptation accepted."

Back at Baker Street John was nearly giddy. "Why is it that I'm thinking this day isn't more peculiar than any other day here?"

"Because John as you told Mycroft, living with me you're never bored."

"True you cheeky sod, now if we could find a way to keep YOU from getting bored- and again, NO SNAKES!"

"I was going to suggest sex, but if you're going to be moody the rest of the afternoon."

"I'll show you moody, brat, and no magic, Fae or otherwise, can save you my beauty!"

"What am I now, a damsel escaping a dragon?"

"Nope, not a dragon, a silver haired demon and you my little morsel are about to be devoured."

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Downstairs, Martha smiled contentedly as the sounds of John galloping towards the bedroom, probably with Sherlock slung over his shoulder, echoed down through her ceiling. She settled into her chair with one of her herbal soothers- a Fae recipe passed through the family for millennia- and relaxed.

She should have deduced the two nutters above her would accept today's events as near to normal as they ever came. It would only be a matter of time though before Sherlock and even John would have hundreds of questions and ask for answers. Sherlock would undoubtedly surmise that her sister, never seen but often spoken of, was a permanent resident of the Fae world. At least now, she had no need to take care with the stories of her travels. She only hoped Sherlock could be dissuaded, if only for a time, from being taken to her other home in the land of the Fae.

The sounds of the headboard in Sherlock's bedroom hitting the wall over and over and a large piece of plaster falling in tiny shards over her best rug (and THAT would certainly require hoovering) jarred her from her reverie and she sighed. Yes, much as she loved those two, the Fae were not ready for the likes of her tenants. 

She added a double shot of whiskey to her soother and began to reconcile herself to the fact that in the space of hour or so she had now extended her protection to not only Sherlock and John but to Aziraphale and even Crowley. After all, she reasoned, you don't get to choose your "family." It was going to be a long but fascinating life.

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**Author's Note:**

> With grateful thanks to the wonderfully talented Podfixx whose Podfics of Good Omens stories has brought much joy to this devoted Johnlocker.
> 
> If any of you have not followed her in her blossoming from Lockinjohnlock to Podfixx, please seek her out. She is now actively involved in both the Sherlock and Good Omens fandoms and provides enchanting forays into both.
> 
> As always be sure to blog or miracle up a kudo or comment for me and I'll have Hudders bake you some scones. 🔎🐍💻😇 Pat

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Someone Significant](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21262217) by [ChrisCalledMeSweetie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChrisCalledMeSweetie/pseuds/ChrisCalledMeSweetie)


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